Wanting every letter on alphabet is tiring. Wanting it all comes with working harder than most. Wanting it all is balance and sacrifice. How to be better is what I want to know. 'Starting tommorow' is what I throw. Starting tommorow. Starting tommorow. 

My life in some attempt of summation, has been the lack of space. A safe space to be deep, intellectual, vulnerable. I think subcontiously, that's why I started writing. It's easier to feel when I'm not calculating. When I'm raw, and entirely honest. I can hate without feeling like I shouldn't. I can relish in passionate without being too much. It's like a personal study or library where I'm free to scream on top of my lungs. I can be everything. Guarded and powerful. Hopeful and cynical. Logical and emotional. My life in some attempt of summation. 

 Im selfish. When I don't get what I want, I put myself through self-loathing.  It's as if I threw away all the care and concern people have for me. I'm selfish. A case study. 

I have boundary issues. Both setting them. But also, respecting them. I'm fallible. I want to be a strong person. I think if something  like this comes up again; a moment of weakness, I need distance. 

I am okay not being with you. For a long time I feared the idea of losing you. Losing you to somebody else.   I realized something. If someone had the kind of love I have for them. Then I'm not the only one who that's scared. I am okay with not being with you if I am not someone you are afraid of losing.  If a person comes along in my life that has that level of fear and that level of love, then that's great. Though, that shouldn't be an expectation. I don't need a another person to fear losing me. I can do all of that myself. I am okay not being with you. I shouldn't feel like 

More than enough times to be highly suspicious. More than enough times to be concerned. More than enough times where I get the 'answers' I feel like I ignore. I'm too affected which shows I'm insecure. There's no true intimacy without trust. I'm scared of it, but I am choosing to trust. Whatever outcomes, I'll be okay.